Master The Art: Letting Go Of The Past (Brace Yourself)

Mastering something requires knowledge and diligence.  Nothing less is required in order for us to start the journey of letting go of the past. 

This post will go over why we hold on to the past, to begin with.  What exactly is meant by letting go and what four steps do we need to start? Finally, why does mastering it matter?

Why do we hold on to the past? 

Let’s see a show of hands of those who can agree with this statement. “Never have I ever, thought about someone, something, somewhere of the past?”

Is your hand up? 🤥

If you’re able to never think about something from the past as recent as the other day, you have superb control over your thoughts.

However, the reality is that most of us let our thoughts control us and take us back in time.  We’re real-life time travelers but not of the future.  We hold onto the past with monkey-like grips for several reasons, but the core reason is simply that the past is familiar.  We know the ins and outs of a memory (time, place, color of the curtains), but this rehashing of the past can cause some negative consequences.  A major one is that you miss out on being comfortable with scenarios that are sitting right in front of you.  I will get more into this later, but if you’re going to sit and dream or wallow in the past or do drastic things to avoid thinking of the past then this is a challenge worth learning how to overcome.

Trust me I know that talking about the past can be a very sensitive subject for some people. Not all of us have had the most pleasant past to hold on to. And for those who have had some traumatic pasts, they are in fact very memorable, but not in a way that is inspiring, to say the least.

For some, the past is outright painful and horror.

Yet, despite the nature or experience of our past, humans hold onto memories that are grand in relevance. Memories that are on either end of the continuum: extremely enjoyable to extremely tragic, all tend to stick into our minds with such intensity.

The brain grabs hold of any thoughts that will lead us to that past memory and when we hold on to it, it’s as if we’re back in that moment in time. I introduce this reflection in this post >> 5 Habits keeping you stuck (Things I Wish I Knew). You can read it here.

Now, when we’re back in that moment we can experience the same feelings that we felt at the time of the memory. For some people, that is exactly what they want to feel. That rush in excitement and dopamine. And for others, this is mostly unwanting. These memories and feelings from the past are triggered by a current event so your mind takes you back to that past feeling. Which can dreadfully suck.  Even if it were a good feeling to revisit, it’s not happening in the present. And that can also suck.

And to make matters worse, knowingly and unknowingly, we loop these memories and the feelings that come with them.  When we do this we completely destroy our sense of the present. We can’t really enjoy today because our minds are stuck in the past.

If you’re sensing that you are holding onto some moment in time’s past that is keeping you from living a life that is taking place right now, there is a way forward.

We MUST learn how to let go of the past.  We have to.  It’s not a choice.  

What is letting go?

The idea of letting something go and releasing it from our grasp is not one we culturally see as easy to do.  When it was time to let your child’s hand go to get on the school bus for the first time, was that easy?  

When your best friend talked behind your back repeatedly with no signs of remorse, did you hold on to the friendship twenty times longer than you needed to?

When your date stands you up for the third time and you give them a fourth chance. Why, honey, why?

We all have overwhelming examples of things we’ve forced ourselves to keep hold of, so we naturally hold on to things longer than we may need to.  So, when I say the way to live the life that we want is by letting go, I know it’s no simple feat.

It may not happen in one fail swoop. It can take days and even years to accomplish, but we must start.  We do that by acknowledging (or discovering if you’re unaware) what from our past is holding us back.

Step One: Acknowledge a recurring memory

Step two: Develop a quick stress reliever 

This process of “Letting go of the past” can involve some deep waves of emotions, not the most pleasant. So make sure you have some way to regularly decompress, but the fastest and easiest way is simply to breathe deeply.  This is such an underrated simple yet balance act to help us recalibrate from stress.  Get in the habit of this practice because this process will be stressful (temporarily), but the results are golden.

Step three: Prep yourself to be forgiving

Some of us have to learn to embrace being forgiving. Forgiving of people, situations, and especially ourselves. People hold on to so much hurt from the past sometimes because they hate their participation in a past event.  Or frustrated from holding on to something that keeps them from living in the moment. Regardless it is congenial or coerced, forgiveness releases and gives permission to move forward.  Without this step, it will make letting go of the past more difficult than it already is.  

Forgiveness gets a bad rap and is hugely lacking in today’s society, but it is actually more empowering and liberating than folks realize.

Step four: Accept your fear and resentment

Here is a hard truth for some to recognize, accept that you are afraid of living in the present. Accepting that means accepting, maybe, things aren’t the way you wished or dreamed of at some point before. 

Perhaps something has changed in our lives that doesn’t allow us to be or do what we’d wished. Do we lack the resources? Were we betrayed? Do we not perform the same way we did in the past? Will the same bad thing happen to us again? Etc. etc. There could be a million reasons why or why not, but it all comes down to fear.  

Changed events don’t have to prevent us from experiencing a joyful and pleasant life now.  We don’t have to wait until this thing or that thing happens before we can live in the present.  Even wishing that a past event we experienced never happened keeps us in a state of fear. We become resentful, casting blame and holding pain.  These emotions are nothing, but self-destructive.  And as long as we breed these negative emotions, by holding on to the past, will we forever be stuck in life and not living the life we could–what a shame.

Why mastering it matters

There are two sides to the mirror of time’s past.  One side is filled with joyful memories of positive experiences and of what we happily used to be. Then, there is the other side that is not so joyful, rather it’s filled with tragedy, loss, abuse, and disappointment, who we forcibly became.  

Regardless, either side of the mirror requires that we keep looking into it to remain the person we were in that moment.  Chances are we fundamentally are no longer that high schooler getting straight A’s or the twenty-something whose heart was broken. 

By holding on to and not letting go of the past we miss out on new wins, new trophies, new experiences, new bonds, new loves, and new memories.  Even though our bodies may be physically in a current moment our hearts aren’t.  Even if you want to be fully present and in the moment it will be a huge challenge because we will project how we felt twenty years ago onto this similar experience we’re encountering now.  It’s not fair to us or the person involved, or that moment in time.  We miss the chance to truly live and love; ourselves, our lives, our environment, even life itself.  

Listen, I’ll level with you, letting go of the past… is faaarrrrrr from easy.   Despite its major benefits, learning how to let go will bring you to your knees. 

Anytime we have to change or adjust to something unfamiliar it requires action. Most times that action goes against everything we’ve ever known or practiced. This is no different. So if we have to go through so much unpleasantness we may as well learn how to master it, right?

Letting go is definitely an art or discipline. It requires understanding, practice, and repetition like anything we learn to master. 

Like I say, letting go is like a bridge between ‘Who you are today and who you want to be’, not whom you were. When you hold onto the past you neglect your present self from being discovered or acknowledged.  

I created a free workbook I want to gift you.  It has guided me towards liberation from my past and It can help you start the journey of letting go of the past by revealing what from the past is holding you back.  If you apply the four steps to master the art of letting go of the past while you go through this extensive workbook you will finally learn how to let go and let live! 

1. 1. Acknowledge a recurring memory

   2. Develop a quick stress reliever 

   3. Prep yourself to be forgiving

   4. Accept your fear and resentment

If you wanted individualized support feel free to book your free discovery call with me today. Let’s grow and heal.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the post, Master the art: letting go of the past (Brace yourself).

With deep care. Until next time…

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